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Snippets from Family Court (overdose)

Judge: Good morning, parents.  It seems your children were removed from your care after an overdose.

Attorney: Ridiculous.  We demand immediate reunification!

Judge: No one demands anything in my Courtroom.

Attorney: nonetheless.

Social worker: The mother overdosed on Narcan.  We have concerns.

Judge: Isn’t Narcan what they give you when you overdose?

Social worker: Yes she overdosed on the medicine they give you when you overdose.

Judge: Christ on a stick.

Mother: That was, like, one time!

Social worker: They literally call her Narcan Nancy.

Mother: shakes her head.

Judge: Who is they?

Social worker: three separate fire stations.  A menagerie of the local homeless.  One Baptist preacher.

Attorney (falls asleep).

Father, breaking the awkward silence: I don’t even know why I am here!  Why am I here because this bitch overdosed?

Judge, checking reports: It says here you tested positive for cocaine, Lidocaine, benzos and a horse tranquilizer.

Father: I don’t even know how that got in there!

Attorney (waking up): immediate reunification!

Judge: You keep saying that…  what are the services for Mother?

Father: If they found that stuff I had a prescription.

Social worker: We would like to see Mother in counseling and to submit clean screens weekly.

Judge: Mom, you have to come to Court and prove you are not using.  Do you understand?  No more Norflex.

Social worker:  No, it’s…

Judge: That’s not it.  Narcolepsy?

Father: That’s a sleep thing, maa’m.  I had that shit.

Judge: Nasonex?

Man in the audience: That’s allergies.

Judge: What is it Mom was positive for?

Mom: I didn’t even do anything.  That priest is such a liar!

Judge: Nikardun was it?

Sheriff: The Nikardun are a fictional people from the Outer Rim in Star Wars.

Judge: Where are these children now?


Judge: Where are these children…?

Father: One of those is not even mine!

Everyone looks at Father.

Social worker: We don’t quite know.

Judge: You don’t KNOW?!

Social worker: We are narrowing it down.

Mother: Lost my babies.

Judge: How can you not know?

Social worker: We have solid leads.  Sheila was covering.  You know how she can be.

Mother: it’s Sheila gave me the Narcan!

Attorney: Shush!

Mother: I didn’t PAY FOR IT!!

Judge: Narcan! that’s what it was.  Thank you.  No more Narcan, mom.  I want to see clean screens, and you find those children!  It’s February for fuck’s sake!

Father: I have no idea why I even came here.

Mother: shut up!

Judge: Your zipper is down.  I will see you all in three months.

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