Judge: Good morning, parents. It seems your children were removed from your care after an overdose.
Attorney: Ridiculous. We demand immediate reunification!
Judge: No one demands anything in my Courtroom.
Social worker: The mother overdosed on Narcan. We have concerns.
Judge: Isn’t Narcan what they give you when you overdose?
Social worker: Yes she overdosed on the medicine they give you when you overdose.
Judge: Christ on a stick.
Mother: That was, like, one time!
Social worker: They literally call her Narcan Nancy.
Mother: shakes her head.
Judge: Who is they?
Social worker: three separate fire stations. A menagerie of the local homeless. One Baptist preacher.
Attorney (falls asleep).
Father, breaking the awkward silence: I don’t even know why I am here! Why am I here because this bitch overdosed?
Judge, checking reports: It says here you tested positive for cocaine, Lidocaine, benzos and a horse tranquilizer.
Father: I don’t even know how that got in there!
Attorney (waking up): immediate reunification!
Judge: You keep saying that… what are the services for Mother?
Father: If they found that stuff I had a prescription.
Social worker: We would like to see Mother in counseling and to submit clean screens weekly.
Judge: Mom, you have to come to Court and prove you are not using. Do you understand? No more Norflex.
Social worker: No, it’s…
Judge: That’s not it. Narcolepsy?
Father: That’s a sleep thing, maa’m. I had that shit.
Man in the audience: That’s allergies.
Judge: What is it Mom was positive for?
Mom: I didn’t even do anything. That priest is such a liar!
Judge: Nikardun was it?
Sheriff: The Nikardun are a fictional people from the Outer Rim in Star Wars.
Judge: Where are these children now?
Judge: Where are these children…?
Father: One of those is not even mine!
Everyone looks at Father.
Social worker: We don’t quite know.
Judge: You don’t KNOW?!
Social worker: We are narrowing it down.
Mother: Lost my babies.
Judge: How can you not know?
Social worker: We have solid leads. Sheila was covering. You know how she can be.
Mother: it’s Sheila gave me the Narcan!
Mother: I didn’t PAY FOR IT!!
Judge: Narcan! that’s what it was. Thank you. No more Narcan, mom. I want to see clean screens, and you find those children! It’s February for fuck’s sake!
Father: I have no idea why I even came here.
Mother: shut up!
Judge: Your zipper is down. I will see you all in three months.