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Your Attorney is Not Your Friend. Your Attorney is Your Demon.

It was during my fifth meeting with a certain client that I noticed he had a massive book under his armpit with the tips of the pages all glossed.  I could not see the binding.  My guess was that he had taken up birding.

Me being me I asked sardonically, “Hey, uh, what is that a Bible?” It was a Bible, dear readers.  It was.  CLIENT had brought a BIBLE to his meeting with ME.  Which got me wondering.

Was it for protection?  Should I take this personally?  Do I give off sinister vibes?  I was sipping a Marylou’s iced coffee as I pondered, so no that seemed unlikely.  What if I were a vampire?  I could combust.  That would then be a fire hazard.  It set me all off-kilter that one of the last things a client would grab before coming to see little-ol’-me was a BIBLE.

What does it MEAN?!

It turns out this was not the first time this gentleman had brought the Good Book to meet me.  It turned out.  I suppose I can be a bit myopic.  Not so aware of my surroundings.

Which is to say, btw, that there is anything wrong with bringing a book of religious worship around with you.  But I got the distinct feeling that this fellow did not take his Bible just everywhere.  To get an oil change, to Whole Foods.  No, this was something he felt he needed to have on-hand when he talked to me.

Honestly it is worrying but kind of a compliment.  To be considered demonic.

What is so scary about attorneys?

Is there another profession in the entire civilized world where a God-fearing person would refuse to meet without his/her Bible?  What’s next a priest in tow?

What is so frightening that you (literally) need to clutch your Bible while you chat about your assets?

A spouse once sat down with me at her initial consult and told me all about her husband’s obsession with he/she pornography.
So I presume I have a trusty kind of kind face.

The question gets to the heart of why people hire attorneys in the first place.

Your attorney is not your friend.  Your attorney is not your enemy.  This sounds simple but so often gets confused in the theater of nonsense.  We are like little inhuman demons you hire to be the sort of evil you need but do not want to dirty your hands with.

Your attorney should be able to gather your facts and apply the law as he or she has seen your assigned judge do so a thousands times for a thousand different families in (somewhat) similar circumstances.  And if I get to make someone suffer all-the-while then great.  But the suffering is not the point of the thing.

What I do is not magic!  I almost never vomit pea soup.

I see my job as trying, if at all possible, to avoid Court.  And then, if Court cannot be avoided, to best prepare my client for the judge.  A significant part of that preparation is predicting what will happen.

For these predictions I rely upon all of the times I have seen this particular judge make render this or that decision.

Take comfort in knowing that, no matter strange or unique you think your Family Court issue may be, your judge has seen it before.  Has dealt with it before.  More than once.  I promise.

I ask difficult questions, analyze fact patterns and make predictions.  None of this necessarily makes me your friend.  And if the prediction is not favorable to you it does not make me your enemy!

Please understand that as my client I want what is best for your family, and what is best for your family is never to take a case to even a single Court appearance more than is necessary.  The expense, the stress, the smell.  It ain’t worth it if it isn’t absolutely necessary.

And when your case is over, if you want to invite my out bowling then great.  I mean, I won’t go because it’s bowling but the thought it nice.  Just know that friendship is not necessarily the goal.  The goal is to get you through.  If I end up on your Christmas card list, then all the better.

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