In “honor” of this gimmicky holiday Valentine’s Day I have a gimmick of my own. I am giving away one free divorce to any nice / normal person who asks. I will handle the case myself. No catches no tricks.
Any married person who would love to get rid of a spouse and has lived in R.I. for the last year (or more) is eligible to apply. Just ask. Find me at the bookstore, or on the street and say, “Hey, Sweet! Givin’ away divorces now? What, you desperate?”. I am. And I am not.
So long as I am clear of any conflict of interest, I promise to handle your divorce with absolutely NO money to me (you WILL have to pay a filing fee to the State of R.I. and a service fee to the constable as they are not in on my nonsense. Sorry?).
I anticipate a great many applications and I am only doing one of these free divorce thingies. I will select which couple I will petition for with preference given to current or former military veterans, persons who currently lack the funds to hire or maintain legal fees, parties recommended to me from my trusted network, and generally people who do not seem like they will be a pain in the butt to deal with over the next sixish months.
Is this a good idea? Who knows!
If accepted, I will promise to handle your divorce from beginning to end without legal fee. I will put this in writing and sign it in blood. I will be in court with you. I will do the paperwork. You will be just like any other client except that you only have to pay me your eternal gratitude. No huge bill after.
If you are unhappy with your spouse this is the time to tell them before they get all hot and bothered for you this evening.
See you soon, love birds!
“If you’re good at something, never do it for free” -Joker